Looking back over previous blogs, I had the answer if I would have put it together there. But it wasn't until I had a more revealing conversation where I felt the patterns taking form instead of the real essence of the need to exchange.
Patterns out of balance are of holding, being stuck, putting up defenses, getting irratated, forcing a viewpoint, imposing a belief, creating gossip and alliances, using rehearsed language, cleverness, satisfaction at sensing power over another, sneakiness, unwilling to directly interact, using emails and phone calls to insulate and manipulate, unwillingness to be vulnerable or surrender or forgive, exclusiveness, seperating out and pitting people against each other, circulating discrediting information, needing to be seen, attention getting activity, miscommunication, jealousy, mimickry, not willing to release information, hording information and or energy, secrets, underground dealings, paronia, no trust, seeing oneself as superior, believing in one's special powers and attributing them to others.
Oh yes, my old friend, bipolar patterns.
During the whole conversation I was wondering why is this person so insistant on imposing thier experience on me? What is with the projecting and needing me to comply with thier belief? How can they tell me how I feel and what my intentions are and assign such negativity? Do I harbor ill will or secret dislike.....check, check, check...NO! STOP!That was not my truth. It was outside of me.
I hadn't realized it because I was seeing only the potential person, but oh yeah, after running it all through my filters, it came up with the repeated match. All my dealings with people who have bipolar suffer these and more symptoms. The only difference with this person whom I just recently came to know is that I don't really feel that they have the infliction, but they have the learned patterns from the mother lineage. My boss and fellow teacher also had it imprinted from her mother. I am reminded of Yogi Bhajan saying we were a nation of neurotic men and women and if we didn't get our selves together, then mothers just raising more neurotic sons and daughters. The responsibility was heavily on the mother. I thought that's not fair, but since I've grown into my responsiblity as a mother I have learned he's right. I thank god/goddess every day for that insight. I've lived closely with the nightmare of my ex-husband being bipolar and pyschotic and a drug addict and an alcholic and a rageaholic. I am thankful now that I am safe and my children are safe. Recognizing this energy in others to whatever extent I can today seems to light up a path for me. I can appreciate that I can recognize it since it is such an illusive nature and that I am not afraid of it anymore and that I have compassion finally instead of fear or repulsion.
I certainly have attracted my share of people to act this out and I am sure my Kundalini energy not only has helped to protect me and given my great insights, but it is also part of what attracts people sometimes completely out of the blue. Before I really knew my former boss and fellow teacher, she was having a stressful day once and stopped me after I had just taught a class to talk to her. It lasted for 2 hours of listening to her relate about her bipolar mother and son and so on. I just thought, ok that was interesting, but what's that got to do with me, I didn't even really know her. But soon the story started to unfold between us, and what a story....
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