I have been told so many times to write. But I really don't know the first thing about it. I know how to talk, so I guess I'll just try that. I have taken writing classes of course. I am an English and Mass Communications major, but this is still eluding me. I can write reports and newsletters and such, but write, you mean like, like, like, artistically. Wow, that just seems daunting. But I have to start somewhere, so taking the plunge.
I have to write about what I know which is Kundalini Yoga and meditation. I have practiced yoga spontaeously since I was a child and always meditated as a way to pass my long summer days walking in the pastures and along the lake or woods. To me navigating those inner planes is sometimes much easier and certainly more real than the external circumstances I find people create. I am very grateful that I have my practice and relationship with self and spirit, so I don't suffer as much as I would otherwise I did when I thought I was seperate. I never knew how much I would need to have a real base to come back to until, I went through so much pain with people trying to manipulate me. Unfortuately, I get it a lot when I teach classes too. Students do not want to do their real scarey work and will immediately stop or will project all kinds of judgements. I usually stay in it long enough to provoke some real exchange, but then there are students who just put up the walls and that's it. Or they will immediately leave with nothing but an odd look. I understand why my teacher, Yogi Bhajan, said not to get attached to students coming or going because they do. I have also had students reappear months or years later with so much love and gratitude. I know students do what they need to do and when they need it. It's always between them and God anyway. I have no idea what Universe has for timing for someone esle. It's part of the territory of teaching and that's why being humble is the only way out. I see the Indians have understood this so well and practice who can be more humble than the next. It's kind of funny to watch who tries to outdo the other with being gracious and humble. But it works!
I've also run into a lot of people who are bi-polar. I thought that after living with my husband who battled bi-polar and always self medicated, that once I divorced him I would be free of being surrounded by that destructive energy. But shortly after, I realized a boss's wife had it, a landlord, another boss, students, neighbors and fellow teachers. I'm thinking this is an epidemic now in America. Why do so many people suffer from bi-polar? Is it just the pressure of the times? Real PEACE seems elusive to those suffering and the whole feeling is just panic and desperation. Desperate to hold on to control? Control for what, so they can manipulate? I guess there is some way I am supposed to teach to these students, but I find them to be the most explosive and full of miscommunications and hidden agendas. Paranoia is another part of their makeup, so there is usually getting other people involved with setting up some intrigue that goes with the territory. I don't know what to do with all that experience that I have, but I'm sure I'll find out at some point.
I used to love to teach, but lately I have been learning so much myself and encouraging students to just do the practice has become less appealing to me. I feel like so much effort is put into cheerleading, when what I really want to do is explore the outer frontier. I find few people that are really ready to do the work it takes to be present and honest, so that more of the esoteric aspects of yoga can be unveiled. My personal experience has become so rich with all the interesting cosmic changes and pulsating self awareness that I'm drawn away from being the cheerleader. I would love to be in a community where people are really ready to be open hearted and drop their issues and walk away from competition and embrace the Sacred Divine Feminine. I keep thinking ok, time has passed we MUST be ready by now. Is the collective consciousness ready yet? But each time I get disappointed, we're not there yet. Sure, there are more people ready here and there, but not the masses yet. I was so discouraged last year, but then I started doing even more of my practice and my guidance was clearly turning into the cheerleaders. It is funny, my guidance had shifted from providing lessons to giving urgent encouragement. I guess I needed to hear it to keep battling people's negativity in classes and in the work place. Now I feel removed from the strife and less about the urgency to stay the course and more excitement for what's unfolding. I keep getting the Butterfly Maiden when I do my cards which shows me the unfolding. I feel like I have had to be the warrior for so long and now I can finally look at retiring and watch the next battalion step up. I feel like I am on the other side of the door, instead of holding the door open and cheering people to come through. It's been unfolding for several months and I'm starting to see some shifts materialize. Each month is so different than the next these days.
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