As I write this post, I am very grateful for all that I have and all that I have been through. I have been reminded often lately about some of the hardest challenges I have had in the past several years and about how I have handled them and where I am now. I am thankful that I am who I am.
I have noticed that the energy lately has been fast moving and bringing up past hurts and battles. These painful experiences are then reenacted with current participants. One predominant energy, I have witnessed in many others has been to manifest a car accident. I have heard of so many people getting car accidents during December that when I went to pick up my rental car for our family's trip to Florida, I wandered if there would be any left. I even purchased the extra insurance just to be safe, with a little chuckle at myself. I figured what do I care, it is only money and if it helps keep me insulated from rampant accidental energy then I'm happy I can pay it. I have a very different attitude toward money than most people I talk to. I do not worry that I don't have it or that I won't have it. I have learned to truly rely on Source to provide the money I need and other resources and it always works out, so I completely let go of that struggle. My teacher, Yogi Bhajan said "I don't expect miracles. I rely on them." And that rings true for me.
I have lost everything so I could find my true Source. I don't know many who have been willing to go to that length yet, I wonder if that is what it will take for everyone eventually or not. I am just glad that I have known my emptiness, so that I also can know how I am filled. And what I have learned is that I do nothing, God does it all. God is the Source and I am the vessel and my life is the play and my spirit is the communication. There is nothing that I can do from my little sense of Self that makes anything happen. It all comes from my larger connection or communication with Source/God. Fear and anger just get in the way. It is total surrender to my Beloved.
I know a couple of other people who also rely on Source without attachment, but then they have not had the training most westerners have of believing in scarcity and struggle, they have never known lack, so they can relate to being comfortable with Source to provide. In the quiet privacy of a simple meeting of minds we both revelled in the soft security of feeling completely taken care of. Most people, I can never talk to like this because they will immediately jump into fear or some other vibration and then we have lost the moment. Surrender only is a moment. It's sort of like talking about having orgasmic childbirths, other people will say they are supportive, but then at the same time they are looking for ways to talk about how traumatic it is and get into fear with it all again. So the knowing the unknown never really takes hold. Some things in my life that I have been blessed about I can bravely share, and other things, I don't always feel so brave to enlighten others about so I just look for a common resonance to share instead. Sensing when to fight for something bigger is the question, like they say, it's a wise person who knows how to pick their battles. I think that is another important energy right now. Knowing how to let people be with their own battles. Honoring another's path.
More energy that people have been complaining about lately is that their electronics are faltering. This can be anything, computers, lights, coffeemakers. It makes sense to me since I believe our electromagnetic impulses lately have been shifted with the recent celestial activity of Full Moon, Lunar Eclipse, Solstice, etc. We all went through a really big whammy and thank God my family was at White Tantric because we were able to process a lot of the energy through that. I'm sure we will be continuing to process for the following 40 days too. It was so intense but I am glad I was there to go through the transitions, because I have really had a relatively easy time of it since we've returned to our regular lives. We seemed to have been in a really intense cocoon of deep unconscious and subconscious activity which cleared out enough to make our paths less treacherous in the outer world. All during that time though, I was immersed in a very negative struggle between letting my heart shine and keeping my mind in charge. There were times that all I could do was cry and totally had to surrender my pain. Some of the pain also felt like it came from others which I was mistakenly carrying for them. I had to cognizantly let down my burdens of pain and surrender to let them be blown away. It was a lot at the time and I feel like I have continued to need to release since I've been back home.
Dealing with relationships here have also brought up that energy that has been whirling around recently and I have noticed how confrontational people have appeared. I even had someone who presented them self as wanting to battle me rather than deal head on with their own need to surrender their pain. My presence invoked a direct confrontation which I feel again I am blessed that I have dealt with my own battle mode or need to fight. As a Kundalini teacher, I have seen this reaction in others before as a method of avoiding, letting go of their pain. It is like the pain is so protected that sometimes we go through great lengths to keep it from slipping away. Almost like we are demanding the universe and our relationships to look at how much we are hurt, but then at the same time building it up so much bigger than it was originally so it can't be easily destroyed. Crying out for help, but also bolstering up the pain, just in case anyone dares try to remove it. I have seen this in myself and watched intimately as others have become demonic in their dance to preserve the pain.
Over the years, I have fought to keep the pain at bay for others and fought for simple sanity on behalf of my husband when he went into his extreme psychotic episodes. It was a battle to save his life that I fought for years before I understood I could really only hold it off a little, but never inevitably. It was ultimately his battle and I had to muster strength I didn't even know I had, to release him to his demons and compassionately let him go. I loved him very much and I loved the whole relationship of our family, so having the passion to see it through was not the question. It was the compassion to let it go, that came so much harder for me. I thought I would die from the heart break as my chest physically ached and my tears were everywhere. I gasped in terror when I first woke up and I cried until my eyes were too blurred to drive straight after the stop light had changed green. Letting go of fighting for his sanity and peace became a battle of letting myself live. I had to fight my own demons and illusions. I learned all over again what I really had was not what I could see, like the ring on my finger or the house or the car, but the love and friendship and my spirit were what was real. So when I gave up fighting his imaginary demons, I finally found my own very real life.
Now, when I meet someone who is ready to fight, I look at them with so much more compassion because I know how to fight and how to be in a fight and I also know what lies on the other side, beyond the impulse to fight. The deep inner strength of being a consummate warrior because I have battled not just my loved one's demons, but my own. I have learned and implemented many strategic techniques and brute force to save my life. I do know what it takes to defend myself fiercely. I am finally proud of being a warrior, just as much as, I know how to meditate and open my heart to be loving and nurturing. I was trained with the double standard of nice girls don't do that and fight to keep what you want. In the past, I could not hold that in my reality and I would find ways to escape the battles. Like a whiff of smoke, I would be lead out of my body into a place of just pain or no pain at all. Either way, I would not meet the battle at hand, if it was too much for me to bare. One of my biggest lessons was to stand and fight for my own sanity in the midst of terror. It was a huge twist on denial to learn how to take care of myself first. Twisting was the key to becoming flexible. If someone could twist and contort into hatred, then I could also twist and contort into love. The twisting and contorting just became another way to be flexible. My true strength in battle is that I know myself a bit and I am always unfolding to be flexible. Once I could be flexible, the whole landscape changed. My body is flexible, my thoughts are flexible, my heart breaths and remains flexible, my beliefs are ever changing to reflect flexibility.....flexibility to surrender.
By going through snake bites, I have found how to temper the poison and befriend my own demons. The deep peace that comes from compassion for loving those dark areas enough, is what has allowed them to be accepted as part of my whole. No one will ever be able to use those against me again.
I am a warrior, an alchemist and a lightworker. I am peace, love and light. I am Iam
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